Assorted Thoughts As of Late

Thought #1
      I love the God of the small things, as the title of the book goes. I have some big God moments, and some big events that leave me in awe of God, and feeling blessed, but lately, I see Him just as much in the small day to day events. A word from a friend, a moment of community, a smile from somebody, a joke shared, little things going right, a thrill of anticipation or excitement, small spiritual moments, God is there. He is present in our lives.

Thought #2
     Life is kind of like my car. Recently I jumped a few curves, and one of my friends pointed out to me that my steering alignment was a bit off. In life, when we go over the bumps in the road, or stray to the side of the road or something, it can mess us up for a moment, but also it can make things harder in the long run. It makes it harder to stay on the narrow path, because you can't just drive and expect to stay on the road anymore, you have to actively steer and keep your hands on the wheel. Life is like that, you go through something rough, and it is hard and distressing for a short time, but it also affects you in the long run in that it can be a recurring temptation or hurt, or just something that makes it hard to stay on the narrow path to God.

Thought #3
     Appreciate the moment. Like they say, you only live once (YOLO :D). That doesn't mean that you should drink and hook up and get high and party. If you only live once, is that really how you want to spend your time? Be present in every moment. Soak in the joy, the sorrow, the awkwardness. Keep your phone away when you're with others. There's plenty of time for that when you're alone. When you're with people, make them your focus. Learn how to appreciate a moment and be present and be human. Spend your time wisely, live your life well. "Tell me, what is it that you plan to do with your one, wild and precious life?"

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn." Sylvia Plath

"Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories" Ray Bradbury

"Earth's crammed with heaven... But only he who sees, takes off his shoes" Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed on the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood..." Neil Gaiman

Living Laughing and Loving

I haven't forgotten about this blog, and I've been composing posts and ideas in my mind, but I've been so very busy lately and haven't had time to put them to paper (or computer screen I guess).

Here's a few updates:
Youth Sunday went well with my youth group, and I gave the sermon
I traveled to Ohio to sing with 15 other Mennonite High Schools
I've been to a different church to sing every sunday for the last two months
I'm going to Europe for two weeks in less than a month
I am going to Los Angeles to organize bible school with an Indonesian Mennonite Church shortly after Europe
I got a job in March at Panera Bread and have been busily working
I also got my license and am now driving!
Less than 10 school days left until my senior year!

Oh and we had our Junior Senior Banquet a week ago (: Phew! It's been busy! Here are a few of my favorite pictures with my favorite people. So many dear friends <3

So in short, I haven't been writing because I've been busy: busy living, laughing, and loving, and I don't think that's so bad. I'll try to get back on this soon as school slows down, and I'll try to blog my Europe adventures, as well as catch up on all my revelations in the last two months. ((: Life is so good friends!

The Sinner's Creed

Christianity is filled with creed: ideologies, not understood, simply recitations for stone hearts. My heart is far from stone, it's been softened by tears, and overflows with love, joy, and also sadness. These creeds just don't do it for me, they just don't say what I believe. They don't state all of the truths that God has taught me in my life. So here is my creed. It's a sinner's creed, a belief of the broken. Don't judge it harshly, just accept the words of my heart for exactly that. This isn't perfect, this isn't the Truth. This is my heart.


I believe in God. A big strong powerful God. My God is outside of human conception. He neither dwells in time or shape that we can conceive. He's not an old white man, he's whatever speaks to our hearts best. Sometimes God is the big, black momma I wished I always had.


I believe that God created each of us with love and care. He knew our heart long before we were born, or even a thought. He knew, and knows every pain and sorrow, every heartbreak that we will ever endure. He knows all of our joys and passions, and the desires of our hearts. I believe that we were all kissed by God, that he came near to us and breathed his spirit, his Ruach, into us, and has never left since.


I believe that God is Three, and He's one. He's whatever we need, whenever we need it. I believe that his Spirit is in every one of us at every moment, meaning that God lives in us. I believe that God sent a part of himself to live and teach on Earth and show us how to love, and bring Heaven to Earth. I believe that God sacrificed himself to show us the extent of his love, and the sacrificial nature of love. 


I believe that we are all a Beautiful Letdown. We all screw up more than we do it right. We fail more than we succeed. We disappoint, we backstab, we hurt, we kill, we sin, and despite all of this, we are forgiven. I believe that because God forgives, we forgive. I believe that all sins are the same, and no sin is beyond forgiveness. 


I believe that God is all about forgiveness and reconciliation. I think that there is beauty in restoration, and we are called to pray, Thy Kingdom come, and then do it too.


I believe in grace and mercy for the fallen. I believe in compassion for the poor. I believe in generosity, and open hearts. I believe in living simply so that others may simply live. I believe that charity isn't enough, God doesn't give us to give money, he calls us to give our hearts. I believe in being the poor, not just helping them.


I believe in community. I believe that we weren't made to be alone. We need each other, and we find God in each other. We were meant to show God to each other, and find the Spirit of God in each one of us. We were meant to be companions and friends, strugglers along the way, each of us on our Road to Shambala. 


I believe in the power of love. I believe that we were meant to love each of those around us, and love those far away. I believe that we were meant to share generous smiles, and kind words with those both familiar, and strange. 


I believe in callings and signs and spiritual experiences. I believe in open ended questions, and vast, open ideas. I believe in opening the boxes of faith, and releasing God from behind the steel curtains of so many hearts. I believe in lots and lots of questions, and learning to be comfortable in the awkwardness of not knowing. I believe in settling for wonder instead of answers, because without wonder, how could life be wonderful? 


I believe that the Bible can be summed up in two words, Love and Freedom. It's all about being free from the things that bind us, the things that confine us and limit us. It's about freedom from shame, regret, fear, anger, grudges, families, histories. It's about loving God and loving each other.


I believe that it's ok to be afraid and angry and upset. It's ok not to have a happy ending. It's ok to admit that you're not perfect, and that your struggles are present tense, not past. They're still alive and well, not something buried beneath a facade of perfection.


I believe in myself and I believe in you. We are the Body of Christ, and we are children of God. We are the hope of the world, and the heirs of God's kingdom.


These are my beliefs. They are far from perfected, they are far from being all true. This isn't approved or tested theology, this is just the truth in my heart. These are the words in my soul. Welcome to my life (:

Sore eyes, Sore heart

My heart hurts. It's sore and swollen, swollen with love, sore from the heartache. The tears come easily these days. Hurt feels magnified, small slights feel like huge injustices. I'm not sure what happened, I'm not sure who I am. I'm not sure who this girl is with a bitter heart and tears that flow freely. I'm not sure about this stranger who is both happy and sad; thankful and resentful.

My days are filled with friendship and joy and laughter. In the midst of the daylight I bask in the warmth of the sun, feeling so incredibly blessed, yet just about every night I cry. Not quiet, graceful tears, these are loud, angry, broken cries. These are cries that leave me on my knees calling out to God. These are cries that leave me wondering where everything is going wrong. Why the things that I know are right feel so wrong. Why it is so hard to pursue the one thing I've never been surer of. Why commitment breaks everything that I am and tears my heart to pieces.

So I wonder, and I cry. I call out to God with what feels like the same angst as David lamenting over Absalom. My heart is weak, and after the anger and the sadness, the fear sets in. It creeps in and wraps around me. It knocks away my breathe. What if He doesn't hear me? And the tears come again. Every tear is a million fears, a million sadnesses. Every teardrop is a waterfall. My eyes are swollen and my skin is raw, just like my heart. 

But it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. You're going to be ok, we're going to be ok. It reminds me of a song I used to sing as a little kid at wilderness camp. "And things go up, and things go down, and the world goes around and around and around, and God lives on." If you don't know the song, it doesn't sound like much, but in the song, the first few lines are rushed and quick with lots of motions, and then everything slows down, and we would bellow with arms extended,our pointer fingers in the air, "And God LIVESSS ONNNNN!"

God has promises for me. He says, "I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will know me for who I really am (Hosea 2:19-23)". He says that, "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him (Lamentations 3:25)". He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)". 

Isaiah promises me that, "The Lord will wipe away every tear from every face (25:8)".

David says, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you (Psalm 56:3)".

Hosea says, "What are you waiting for? Return to your God! Commit yourself in love and justice! Wait for your God, and don't give up on him - ever! (Hosea 12:6)"

Paul promises me that, "He comforts us in times of trouble (2 Corinthians 1:4)".

Job shows me that even when everything is lost, "may the name of the Lord be praised! (v. 20)".

God says that all he requires of me is, "to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)". Even when I'm overwhelmed by my inability and my inequity. Even when the future seems too much to bear, and I can barely get out of bed in the morning. When I think that there are too many things I can't handle, and I can't do, and not enough that I can. When I can't carry on, it's that quiet voice reminding me that I don't have to do any of this. This is my own mess, this is my own worry. All that is required of me is to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. No small task, but doable. I can wrap my head and my heart around that. And "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)". 

Paul even tells the Philippians to work out their salvation with fear and trembling! Wow, I've got that down pat! He tells them that, "it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his perfect purpose (2:13)". I can't do this, I have that right, but God can do anything, and he lives in me.

So I know it will be ok, because I have these promises, and I have the faith passed down to me by these men, by David who lost his son, by Isaiah who was scorned by all, by Hosea whose heart was broken by his wayward wife, by Paul who was jailed and beaten, by Job who lost everything. I have the promises to cling to. God will live on!

On a recent post from one of my favorite organizations, People of the Second Chances, I heard something that screamed, "THAT'S ME!!!"

Karen Hammons, the author, said, "Sometimes the happy girl struggles too. And when she is leading the charge, sometimes she is shaking in her black corduroy TOMS, questioning herself and her abilities."

This is me. So I cry, and I come before God, shaking in my TOMS, broken and miserable. And then I count the million blessings in my life the next day and I see them everywhere, in a kind word from a friend, in the encouragement of a youth leader, in something going right for once, and they give me the courage to deal with the disappointments and the failures.

So again and again I cry, and again and again, God draws near.

Tears, Hair, and Eyes of Mercy

I had a small revelation the other day. I was sitting in front of the tv, knitting (which is always conducive to thought in case you didn't know), while an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond was playing. If you are familiar with the show, you will probably remember the episode about which I am about to speak. This particular episode was about the "snack Nazi" of first grade t-ball. If you don't have a clue, here's a short clip to help you get the gist.

The basic plot of the episode is this: Ray's wife, Deborah, is overwhelmed after a long and rough day at home with the kids. She pulls everyone together, and remembers to bring snack for her daughter's t-ball team. Upon arriving at the game, the neurotic parent in charge of snacks checks her snacks, and immediately deems them unworthy. He repeatedly explains to her, growing more and more agitated, that "they aren't on the list". He pulls out a "healthy" snack for the kids, and tells her that she can redeem herself the next week. A week later, Deborah and Ray fight over whether or not they should bring a better, healthier snack for the kids, even though their snack was rejected the week before. Ray secretly prepares the snack exactly from the list, and Deborah becomes angry and upset because he doesn't defend her and take her side. It leads to a meltdown at the game when Ray finally defends his wife, and her snack preparations.

As I was watching this, I realized that this is often the story of the modern day church, this is often the story of me. I am both the neurotic snack Nazi, and the desperate mom, struggling to make it through the day. 

People bring what they can, or at least they try to. Stressed out, overwhelmed, alone, abandoned, heartbroken people - people struggling just to make it through another day bring all that they can to God, even when it's only a broken hallelujah.

Just like the man rejected Deborah's pretzels, so we as a church also too often reject people's humble offerings. When we decide it isn't enough, we tell them to take it back until they can offer something better. We are the obnoxious face telling people that they can only offer what's "on the list", whatever that might be. We basically tell people that if they can't offer something worthy, than don't offer anything at all. But what is worthy? Who are we to decided this? Who are we to stand between another person and God? Jesus is the only priest! He is the only one standing between any one of us and the Holy of Holies! Who are we to deny somebody's offering?

In the Bible, Jesus accepted an offering rejected by the religious experts the world had to offer. In Luke 7:36, we see the story of another broken princess. She was a whore, and a prostitute. It's interesting how the Bible throws this label out there. There's no explanation about her story, about how or why she ended up on the streets, but that's another post altogether haha! 

So enter whore, stage right. Just imagine it. Jesus is eating at a Pharisee's house, when a common whore comes in, somebody dirty and sinful, beyond redemption, certainly beyond God, and beyond a relationship with Jesus. But without hesitation, she falls to his feet and begins weeping. She weeps for the pain of her life, for the rejection, the abuse, the loneliness. She weeps for her last chance, she weeps because she hears that this man is different. She weeps because she thinks this might change things for her. She weeps, and as her tears fall, she uses them to wash his filthy feet. Once she has cried his feet clean, she leans over and dries those same dirty feet with her long hair, not once hesitating. Then she massages them with nothing less than the most expensive lotion. Then she stays bowed at his feet, afraid to look up. 

She knows what she's done, and she knows who he is. What if she was wrong, and he's just like all the other religious leaders? The ones who have scorned her and cast her out. The ones who called her dirty and sinful. But then she feels his eyes on her, and her curiosity is too great, so she looks up. Her eyes meet his, and her life is changed forever. In those eyes she sees love, all the love she's ever wanted, all the love she's ever lacked. She sees that he understands her, that he doesn't condemn her. She sees that he is pleased with what she has done, and it makes it all worth it. She feels a peace wash over her for the first time, and she knows she is enough.

And then she hears it: the whispering. She remembers all the religious leaders, and realizes that they are talking about her. She looks away from Him, and looks again at her hands in shame. Just then, something happens. He starts talking, and he stands up for her. He says to them, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she washed my feet with her tears. You gave me no kiss, but from the time she entered, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she anointed my feet with lotion. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven because she has loved much."

This woman was nothing in the eyes of those Pharisees. She was less than human, less than even a dog. She was sinful, dirty, unclean - they rejected her using every excuse they could think of. They scorned her and abandoned her, and then Jesus tells them that they are to follow her example.

She did not bring much. She brought Jesus her tears, her hair, some lotion. She brought him her pain, her very self, her possessions, and most importantly, her heart. Her offering was meager, and it was certainly less than the religious people thought Jesus deserved, but she gave him everything that she could. She humbled herself and threw away the remaining shreds of her dignity to serve him.

Though the religious teachers rejected her, Jesus accepted her. Though they thought she didn't have enough to offer, he did. It is the same for us. Whatever anybody wants to bring to God, let them bring it. We have no right to deny somebody, to reject what they can bring.  

Remember this week what Jesus said to those teachers, "Her sins, which are many, are forgiven because she has loved much."

The Days When I'm Afraid

Argh! Nothing seems to be right today. After writing over 70% of this post, my browser crashed and I lost all of it. Apparently it didn't auto-save any of it either, so here we go again. It may seem like a small setback, but it's just another frustration to overwhelm me today. I'm still not sure if I have it in me again to go through the emotional journey that it was to write this post the first time around. I even forget exactly what I said. Oh well, another failure to list on my resume. 


 That's how I feel today. Like a failure, and I am. Thank God that he sees me as more. I've been more of a dragon than a princess lately. I've been bitter and angry. I've roared and spewed vitriol, burning those that I let close enough to my heart. I picked fights and have just been out of control in general. In addition to these things, my heart has been hurting. I've felt brokenness and fear. It seems that when I feel most afraid, I hurt those around me the most. And lately I've been so afraid.


I like to have control. It's who I am. I like to plan and organize, settle all the little details, and make sure everything is laid out. I like to keep all my ducks in a row. It's not even that I need to control others, or everything, as long as I have the control in my own life. God has been teaching me and pulling me away from this. And it is SO hard. 


 The funny thing is that everything in my life has been so good, and that's what makes me afraid. When you have something this good, it's terrifying because any second it could all be gone. I'm afraid that if I blink I'll lose everything and everyone close to my heart. I'm desperately clinging to everything good in my life. Slowly I think God's loosening my death grip on life. He's calling me to surrender. 


 For me, it's true that when I act like a dragon, I'm really just that princess, trapped in her tower, waiting for someone to act with courage, strength, and love. Even when I lash out, I want someone to come rescue me, brave my fiery breath, and nurture, love, and care for me and who I am. I've blessed and surrounded by people who love me for who I am, but more recently I've been blessed to have somebody love me, really love me, and want to know me, everything about me: who I am, what I love, why I love it, what my heart beats for. 


 So why am I so afraid? Loving somebody means being incredibely vulnerable. Giving somebody your heart means that they can either treasure it in the palm of their hand, or crush it inside their fist in one swift motion. Everyone wants to know and be known, we were made for it, but being known is frightening. Having somebody know you, all the dirty corners of your soul, all of your mistakes and regrets and dreams. Offering every bit of who you are to somebody, knowing that you could be rejected. It's terrifying. 


 Having somebody else in my life like this takes away some of my control. I can no longer call all the shots and make all the plans. I have to depend on and trust another person. I cannot control everything in my life now. It pulls me out of my comfort zone. It makes me nervous and anxious.


I question myself. What if he lets me down? Well that's easy to answer. He will. And he'll hurt me, he already has. He's only human after all. And I'll learn to forgive and trust and show grace and mercy. If I kept my control, I wouldn't get hurt, but I also wouldn't experience the highs and the love and I wouldn't grow and become a better, more gracious person. God is stretching and shaping me, and slowly easing the control out of my fists.


Sometimes the fear overwhelms me. I've spent countless nights crying until my eyes are swollen and sore. Sometimes the only prayer I can muster is, "Please. Please God. I want this so much. Please." Sometimes I add on "Make me want what you want God, and take me where I need to go", but not always.


I have no ending to this story. I have no lesson to walk away with today. This is just my life, messy, but ongoing. It's filled with loose ends, unresolved conflicts, and failures. Lots of failures. Broken and beautiful, but mine. This is my life, and my story, and I'm still learning and growing and being stretched. The control is still being tugged out of my hands, and I'm still desperately clinging to everything and everyone I love.


And you know what? It's ok. It's ok to be afraid, and ok to be angry. It's ok to be a mess and a failure. It's ok if all you can say to God is, "Please. This is what I want." He understands. He loves you. He loves the mess that you are, and the beautiful soul that's trying to break free and survive. He knows how much you want to be loved and known, and he loves you and knows you. It's ok when there are days that you can't absorb this truth. It's ok to act as a dragon, and hide the princess inside your soul. It's ok. You are enough. You are beloved. You are a precious child of God.


It's ok to be afraid. God is bigger. When you offer him everything that you are, that includes your fear. We can hand him our raw fear, unprocessed, unresolved, not past but present tense fear. We can come to God with our questions and fears and longings, and offer them simply for what they are. God will accept them, and he will accept us. You are loved my friends, you are loved.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 

William Allen White

Sneetches, Snitches, and Pharisees

You know what I hate? Like really really hate? Judging. Whoa - irony. As shown by my very first few sentences on the topic, I am far from unbiased. I am also known to be judgmental and hypocritical quite often. I'm broken too, so don't misunderstand me as you read this. I.am.broken. But let's talk about judging. I hate it! You know who else did? Jesus. So know that if you are like me and judging gets under your skin like nothing else, you're not alone. It broke Jesus's heart also.


Dr. Suess once told a story about judging. It was a tale about creatures called Sneetches, some of whom marched around with their noses in the air because they were star-bellied Sneetches, and they were the better of the species. The story continues with the plain Sneetches painting stars on their bellies, and upon seeing this, the original Star-Bellied Sneetches painted over theirs. It was a chaos of back and forth until finally all the Sneetches realized how absurd their actions were. Eventually they realized that "Sneetches are sneetches, and no kind of sneetch is the best on the beach".


How often do we do that? "Look at me! God made me so good - I never sin! But look how he made you. What's wrong with you?" We are the Sneetches in this story. We walk around with stars on our bellies and pride in our hearts, but where does God come into all of this?


This week I've been struggling with judgement, and by judgement, I mean being judged and trying not to lash out in response. As ironic as it sounds, a couple of adults in my church, my church for goodness sake, have been doling out copious judgement for me this week. No matter what I do, no matter how I act, no matter what happens - somehow the outcome is always the same. My actions are interpreted as immature and I am just in general looked down on and judged as not "Christian enough" or something along those lines.


It's things like that that just honestly make me hurt and confused. I don't see it. I scream to myself, "How do they even see that? They don't even know me, but even the small bits they do know, how do they get THAT out of those actions?" 


I try to justify to myself that I'm enough, "But I get straight A's! I take AP and honors classes. I serve on leadership committees and plan chapels and write skits! I am the editor of the school newspaper! I tutor low income kids after school and teach preschool Sunday School! I sing on worship team and organize events! I love to know everyone and have so many friends." I try to prove to myself that I'm enough, and that if they would just know these things about me, they would respect me.


What I'm learning though is that it's not about me, in more ways than one. No matter what I do, these persons will still hold the same opinion and still gossip about me. It's not actually about me, or who I am, or what I do. It's really not. And it's not about me in God's kingdom either. God doesn't care what I do or what I've done. 


Sometimes when people say that God doesn't care what you've done, I think we interpret it as he doesn't care what you've done wrong. What I'm learning is that God really just doesn't care what you've done at all. Whether it's awesome, or awful, he doesn't care. With God, it's not about coming in with a resume. God will just throw it aside anyway and say, "I know the perfect job for you baby!" I will never be enough. But there's grace in God, and there's enough for me. I will never be enough, but God is enough.


In the end, it doesn't matter what they think, because I know what God thinks. He calls me Beloved and Redeemed. He says I am Blameless and Pure and Holy and Worthy. I am His and that's what matters, because I was never theirs anyway.


In one of my favorite YouTube videos, Matt Chandler says (speaking like God), "There is no one who can condemn you. I don't, and if I don't, no one can. Who will even bring a charge against you? You're mine. What court could they possibly charge you in? Everything's mine!" 

Sometimes it's easy for me to put Jesus on my side. "They're Pharisees. He hates them!" But that's not true. Jesus has as much love for each of them as he has for me. He has called them out and loved them also. He would have still sacrificed himself, even if it was for one of them only. God loves the people I hate, and that means I have to love them too. Because he loves, I love, and because he cares, I care.


So my dear friends, remember this week that you are enough. It does not matter what others think, because you are not theirs, and you never were. You are His, and he calls you Beloved. He says that you're enough. Have love for your haters, and show compassion to everyone around you. Don't look to vanquish your dragons, but look inside the towers for the princesses that are judging you. Act with beauty and courage for their sake. Love dangerously and courageously this week. Remember, like Mother Teresa said, "If you judge, you have no time to love."