Argh! Nothing seems to be right today. After writing over 70% of this post, my browser crashed and I lost all of it. Apparently it didn't auto-save any of it either, so here we go again. It may seem like a small setback, but it's just another frustration to overwhelm me today. I'm still not sure if I have it in me again to go through the emotional journey that it was to write this post the first time around. I even forget exactly what I said. Oh well, another failure to list on my resume.
That's how I feel today. Like a failure, and I am. Thank God that he sees me as more. I've been more of a dragon than a princess lately. I've been bitter and angry. I've roared and spewed vitriol, burning those that I let close enough to my heart. I picked fights and have just been out of control in general. In addition to these things, my heart has been hurting. I've felt brokenness and fear. It seems that when I feel most afraid, I hurt those around me the most. And lately I've been so afraid.
I like to have control. It's who I am. I like to plan and organize, settle all the little details, and make sure everything is laid out. I like to keep all my ducks in a row. It's not even that I need to control others, or everything, as long as I have the control in my own life. God has been teaching me and pulling me away from this. And it is SO hard.
The funny thing is that everything in my life has been so good, and that's what makes me afraid. When you have something this good, it's terrifying because any second it could all be gone. I'm afraid that if I blink I'll lose everything and everyone close to my heart. I'm desperately clinging to everything good in my life. Slowly I think God's loosening my death grip on life. He's calling me to surrender.
For me, it's true that when I act like a dragon, I'm really just that princess, trapped in her tower, waiting for someone to act with courage, strength, and love. Even when I lash out, I want someone to come rescue me, brave my fiery breath, and nurture, love, and care for me and who I am. I've blessed and surrounded by people who love me for who I am, but more recently I've been blessed to have somebody love me, really love me, and want to know me, everything about me: who I am, what I love, why I love it, what my heart beats for.
So why am I so afraid? Loving somebody means being incredibely vulnerable. Giving somebody your heart means that they can either treasure it in the palm of their hand, or crush it inside their fist in one swift motion. Everyone wants to know and be known, we were made for it, but being known is frightening. Having somebody know you, all the dirty corners of your soul, all of your mistakes and regrets and dreams. Offering every bit of who you are to somebody, knowing that you could be rejected. It's terrifying.
Having somebody else in my life like this takes away some of my control. I can no longer call all the shots and make all the plans. I have to depend on and trust another person. I cannot control everything in my life now. It pulls me out of my comfort zone. It makes me nervous and anxious.
I question myself. What if he lets me down? Well that's easy to answer. He will. And he'll hurt me, he already has. He's only human after all. And I'll learn to forgive and trust and show grace and mercy. If I kept my control, I wouldn't get hurt, but I also wouldn't experience the highs and the love and I wouldn't grow and become a better, more gracious person. God is stretching and shaping me, and slowly easing the control out of my fists.
Sometimes the fear overwhelms me. I've spent countless nights crying until my eyes are swollen and sore. Sometimes the only prayer I can muster is, "Please. Please God. I want this so much. Please." Sometimes I add on "Make me want what you want God, and take me where I need to go", but not always.
I have no ending to this story. I have no lesson to walk away with today. This is just my life, messy, but ongoing. It's filled with loose ends, unresolved conflicts, and failures. Lots of failures. Broken and beautiful, but mine. This is my life, and my story, and I'm still learning and growing and being stretched. The control is still being tugged out of my hands, and I'm still desperately clinging to everything and everyone I love.
And you know what? It's ok. It's ok to be afraid, and ok to be angry. It's ok to be a mess and a failure. It's ok if all you can say to God is, "Please. This is what I want." He understands. He loves you. He loves the mess that you are, and the beautiful soul that's trying to break free and survive. He knows how much you want to be loved and known, and he loves you and knows you. It's ok when there are days that you can't absorb this truth. It's ok to act as a dragon, and hide the princess inside your soul. It's ok. You are enough. You are beloved. You are a precious child of God.
It's ok to be afraid. God is bigger. When you offer him everything that you are, that includes your fear. We can hand him our raw fear, unprocessed, unresolved, not past but present tense fear. We can come to God with our questions and fears and longings, and offer them simply for what they are. God will accept them, and he will accept us. You are loved my friends, you are loved.
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
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