Their 14 year old son, as I've noticed from these past two weeks, is a sweet, considerate, reserved young man. He has recently been dealing with some bullying at school, and last night as I finished up folding laundry, I listened to his father talk to him, and it just broke my heart.
You know friends, our words have power. They can absolutely destroy a person, or they can nurture and build a person up. Last night I heard this father destroy his son. I heard him blame his son, criticize his son, tell his son what to do to fix the situation. I didn't hear him love his son though - and my heart hurts for this poor young man who can never please his father, never live up to his expectations. It makes my heart hurt for the young people everywhere being isolated and hurt, and not having the the support they need.
Our school systems, our books, our approach is all wrong. They all function in theory, but as somebody who just recently made it out of high school, let me tell you, they don't often apply to the real social situations in schools. Bullying situations are never as clear cut as guidance counselors and principals like to make them seem. We can't try to eradicate the problem by addressing the issue of bullying alone, we have to teach kids to love each other, to recognize the beauty and holiness in one another, to carry each other through life. Many of our issues in society stem from a lack of these actions, and if we could just teach our kids this, maybe we could overcome this issue of "bullying".
This whole situation has got me thinking about the issue, and if I were to write a letter to this boy, this is what I would say.
Dear F,
Life is hard, it really is. You haven't done anything wrong, anything to deserve this treatment, but you aren't powerless either. We control how others treat us by accepting or rejecting the behaviors of others. You can't control how other people act, but you can control what you accept and internalize.
You should accept the things that delight your soul. Accept the things that recognize and celebrate your inherent worth and goodness. Accept those things that build you up, the things of truth.
But F, don't accept the things that hurt your precious heart. Reject cruelty and stereotypes, reject insensitivity on the part of others, reject the things that objectify and belittle you.
Your soul is too precious to ignore, know your worth and treat yourself in a way that reflects that.
Look for good friendships. Look for people who will stand by your side and stand up for you. Look for people who stand for truth, people who stand for loyalty. Find these people and keep them by your side. I'm sorry that your friends haven't been these people to you, but give them more chances to try again. People fail even when they mean well. Especially in middle school, kids are stupid. Everyone works so damn hard to be liked, but not for any of the right reasons. If you don't like this status quo, then change it. Like people for who they are, and not the things they do to please others.
And about the kid who treats you cruelly. Forgive him. It seems absurd and frustrating, but carrying around the burden of hate will only transform you, not him. He will still be cruel and ignorant, and now you will be too. Don't do it, instead work towards forgiving him. It's hard work, that forgiveness stuff, it really is. It's not an overnight thing. Hate him for awhile, you have my permission. Be bitter, but get over it and forgive him for it. Look for the good in him, the spirit of the divine within him.
F, there's no such things as "bullies" and "victims" as portrayed in the media. Nobody is a perpetual bully or perpetually bullied. Rather, we all switch in and out of the roles in our lifetimes. Bullying in itself is a made up concept I believe. It's what our schools and culture try to name cruelty and hatred and brokenness. It lessens the severity and separates it from the realm of adulthood. The truth is though that bullying is just another manifestation of human brokenness. People act out with anger and malice because their needs are not met.
The blessing of humanity, but also the curse of humanity, is that we are both goodness and evil. Both of these forces dwell within each of us. There is a Native American parable I heard once that went something like this: a young man told an elder that there was a fight within him between two wolves. One wolf is good - he is peace, love humility, kindness, generosity, etc. The other wolf is evil - anger, jealousy, hatred, arrogance etc. The elder told the young man that the same fight exists in every other person as well, and the young man asks him which wolf wins. The elder replies "Whichever one you feed."
F, you have good within you as well as evil, and this bully not only has evil within him, but also good. You are capable of the same actions as him. In your pain, as you find your way through, don't become like him. Feed the good wolf, F. You have to choose to confront hatred with love. Choose to be kind even when your heart is bursting with bitterness. It's not wrong to feel these negative things, that's just human. Accept all of your emotions for what they are, but recognize that they aren't in control, you are. You control how you react to and use these feelings. Even when you feel angry and hurt, choose to put good into the world. Though you reap sorrow, choose to sow seeds of love.
F, you are precious, loveable and loved. Don't lose sight of that. Things get better, I promise. Walk through this season with your eyes on the light ahead. The future is glorious!
With all the love I can possibly muster,
Beth
