Catharsis

I recently wrote a letter to a friend of sorts, and it felt good to write, and I feel like it explains so much of my heart and my life lately

I'm lost G. I don't know how I got here or how to get out. I don't see an end to this darkness, and I don't know how to get to daylight. I feel so alone, so achingly lonely, like it could actually crush me. I'm consumed with bitter jealousy - I just can't break out of this awful cycle of comparison with a friend, and it's destroying me. I know who I am, but I don't know how to be that person. I don't know how or when I stopped feeling satisfied that who I am and how I act were aligned. I am so tired. So completely and utterly exhausted. I can sleep for hours at any time and still feel tired. More than feeling tired, I feel drained and empty.

I just love everyone around me so much that it hurts sometimes, but I don't know how to express that anymore. I'm terrified that this is who I am now, and that this will be the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, because as much as I love others, I don't feel like I can be loved in return. My mind tells me that I am loved, but my heart can't believe it. I know that others won't show me love the same way that I show them, but dammit I just want for once somebody to be as considerate of me as I always am of them. I want to be loved more. I want someone to realize that I'm not ok, and I don't know how to get "ok" again.

Last year I loved this guy, and I really mean loved. He was my very best, tell everything to, friend for two years, and I realize that it doesn't sound very long, but really that is 1/8 of my entire life, so it was pretty significant. Finally we dated for 8 beautiful and heartbreaking months, and it was just as good as all the songs said. My heart was full and I sang and danced and laughed and felt safe and loved and secure in who I was. He whispered all the things that my heart wanted to hear for so long, and I believed all these things. I believed him when he said that I was compassionate and Christ-like, loving and beautiful. I accepted these things and my heart opened so wide. And then he walked away and said it was all a mistake, he should've never said he loved me, he didn't know what love even is. All of those truths that I soaked up were actually lies? My heart knew that it wasn't true, but I believed it anyway and suddenly I could no longer be those things. I pulled away, I began letting people down, I hated myself. I just withdrew further and further into myself and nobody noticed. And then I realized that nobody noticed that anything was wrong, and I felt so very alone, and still do. There are a couple people who I've come so close to unloading everything to, but I always stop just short of sharing my pain. I don't want to burden anybody else, and in the grand scheme of things, my pain is so small and insignificant. My life is so privileged and blessed, and I feel stupid thinking that I have this big awful pain, but it sure feels like it.

I have so many wonderful friends surrounding me, but I am paralyzed with fear when it comes to asking any of them for help. I don't know how to ask, I don't want to bother them. I'm afraid to ask people to make time for me even though I make so much time for them. I'm afraid that I'm going to discover that I'm not worth it to them. In my head, I have these conversations over and over again, bits and pieces of conversations where I say exactly what I need to and they hold me while I cry, but I just can't do it in real life, and I want to in the worst way, but I'm just so afraid. I've always been the brave one, but I don't know how to do this. And I love God, don't get me wrong, but I never understand how people talk about handing their troubles over to God and it being all better. It sounds like a nice figurative statement, but in reality I need people. I need some people to love me, and share some of God's love with me. 

There's so much more I wanted to say in this, but I just can't remember everything. I guess I'll get through this by just continuing to get up every day and face life. It's so hard though, and I just hide this pain inside because it's so complicated to understand and the only one who it would be easy to talk about this too walked away last summer. I even hate how I'm coping. I am on Facebook so much, it's honestly ridiculous G, but when I'm feeling numb I just scroll through and see things from my friends and sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it brings the pain back but either way I do it so much. And then I hate how I'm on it so much compared to my friends, the ones who have everything together, and despite confessing perfectionism, continue to strive for perfection in everything and hiding anything that's not perfect and positive. Well, and I also listen to Mumford and Sons music compulsively but who could blame me for that?

Much love,

Beth